Agony Eldrick

Several years after his ever-popular feature in the august journal Boc and Madge Monthly, Agony Eldrick has once again opened his clinic for consultations or advice.

Everyone’s favourite Golf champion is back and this time, can reply to readers’ pleas for help far quicker than having to rely on the Postman in days of yore; an unfortunate situation given the shootings of several mail delivery operatives by some readers.

If you’d like a personalised reply from Eldrick, please post it here (see comments box at the bottom of this page) and Eldrick will endeavour to get back to you. You don’t even have to register! However, please note that all comments have to be approved by a Moderator before they appear here, just as all the water here has to be passed by the management.

Letters will be added as posts to this page unless a more suitable format is adopted.

Please note; however, the following Caveats:

• Eldrick is unable to give advice of a legal nature, as he does not want to become involved in any further litigation processes. Legal advice should be sought from a more reputable source, such as the bloke down the pub or Wikipedia.

• Eldrick is unable to give advice or make a diagnosis on medical, dental or veterinary problems. This is because he is not a qualified Physician. A relevant professional should be consulted in the case of such matters, for example, Doctor Google or Channel Four documentaries such as Embarrassing Illnesses, Fat Club, You Are What You Tweet or How Clean Is Your Mouse? (a forthcoming project focusing on the germs harboured in everyday objects such information and computing technology peripherals and domestic cellular-network based telephony apparatus.

• Receiving a query does not grant the sender an entitlement to a reply; or, for that matter, a right for your material to be published. Eldrick reserves the right to ignore, shred, incinerate or pass on to local customs authorities any correspondence that is deemed offensive or unsuitable for publishing.

• Eldrick reserves the right to redact any material published on this site without prior consent.

• While confidentiality is a key aspect of this service and will be maintained throughout the life cycle of all enquiries, (as far as is practically possible)  Eldrick reserves the right to pass any bomb scare letters,  threats produced by cutting letters out of the local paper or photographs of waterfowl acting in a suspicious matter to the local constabulary or immigration service.

• While the above policies will attempt to filter out any unsuitable material from being published,  Eldrick, Arthur T. Flowers and the staff at www.garyreggae.co.uk do not accept any responsibility in any way at all for the content of this website.

• Complaints should be written in a format compliant with ISO 14001 protocols and submitted in a sealed envelope to the official ambassador for Jupiter-based operations. Any further inquiries will take place in the Court of King Ska Fa; or, if that is closed for refurbishment, the Court of King Charactacus.

Yours faithfully,

Arthur T. Flowers Esq (Mr)
Associate Professor of the Association of Dustbin Management Professionals.

NOTE: this page has been screened by our equality impact assessment.

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Comments (4)

  1. Derrick

    Dear Eldrick,

    I only have a three-and-a-half-inch floppy but I want a hard drive. I’ve tried to get it in the slot but it won’t fit.

    Any suggestions?

  2. Whoratio

    Dear Eldrick,

    The man next door to me has a massive swelling organ and he gets it out every night and makes a lot of noise.

  3. Anonymous

    Dear Eldrick,

    I am in trouble with the FA, and have asked GRODD for help. However, Caroline has informed me (over hot chocolate in Litten Tree Eastleigh) that GRODD stands for Go Run Over Darren Day. As I am a notoriously bad driver, do you think associating with GRODD could literally cause me to run over Darren Day?

    • Oh dear. That is a most perplexing and perhaps distressing situation. I thought that GRODD had been disbanded after the ‘Glasses for Refs’ campaign, video technology and the Alex Ferguson™ Stopwatch and its impressive time-stretching technology.

      I suspect that you have been possessed by an evil Spirit who has made you want to kill the king…I mean Mr Day. This spirit wants to avenge the damage inflicted on the world of popular showbusiness and Z-list talent shows alike, particularly those affairs where aforementioned ‘celebrity’ misfits have to eat spheres of B-grade weapons plutonium while in a cage dangled over a pit of savage crockodials and ducks with sinks from the Home Base Winter Sale.

      The Spirit will not be avenged until your deadly deed regarding inflicting permanent systemic destruction of the aforementioned Mr Day by means of a transportation device powered by aromatic hydrocarbons is complete.

      The only alternative is to visit the shrine located deep within the Eldin Province, where you must roll bomb flowers into the pottery kilns, light the torches in a specific order relating to the parametric continuation of the Partridge and Pheasant Association then slay the evil being and return peace to all present.

      I hope this is of assistance.

      Yours Cordially,

      Eldrick.

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